*Note that the term ‘romantic’ is used here to refer to the emotional condition of the whole romantic and sexual dimension of the marriage relationship.
Beyond the ‘Practical’ Marriage
In our times the romantic idea of marriage has become prominent, such that it is now most Western people’s concept of marriage. In former times there was a more practical, even pragmatic view of marriage, which is not to say that romantic aspiration played no role. It often just didn’t have as much scope to become a reality.
It was also a time when social and moral pressure against infidelity and divorce were strong and people were more likely to tough it out in marriages that provided little romantic or sexual satisfaction.
In our times these pressures have greatly weakened and consequently the rates of infidelity and divorce have greatly increased.
This is the social and cultural environment in which we now live, and those who believe in the permanence and integrity of marriage need a positive strategy to promote and sustain this vision. Social and moral pressure are still important, but in present circumstances their effects are much weaker than previously.
A Further Difficulty
A further difficulty has arisen. It is not just that there has been a decline in the conditions and culture supportive of marriage, there is a strong counter-force promoting unrestricted sexual activity and eroticism. It might be thought that the primary strategy should involve trying to directly combat these forces. This certainly needs to be part of it, but the problem goes deeper.
These negative forces are not just ‘out there’ but become part of people’s inner lives as well.
This means that if we could effectively combat the outside forces, which is a big if at this stage, doing so would not return things to their former state. People’s expectations and imaginations have been changed, and this involves a mixture of good and bad. Higher hopes for romantic and sexual fulfilment in marriage are not bad; indeed they are a positive good. The difficulty lies in sifting the bad from the good.
Since a purely defensive strategy will not be enough there needs to be a strong positive strategy that helps people retain their hopes for a satisfying and enjoyable romantic and sexual experience of marriage.
A New and Beautiful Culture
This strategy is not only about married couples. It must also affect the culture itself, since young people grow up in a challenging environment, and need support and guidance to adopt the attitudes, habits and customs conducive to a positive culture of relations between the sexes.
It would not be enough for this to be only morally positive. It also needs to be beautiful. Its goodness needs to attract precisely through those things that make the sexes attracted to each other.
The realisation of these goals requires that we build a beautiful culture of relations between men and women.
Such a strategy is primarily positive, albeit needing to also incorporate critique and opposition to destructive elements in the culture. However, it is crucial that when people recognise and take on board the necessity of combatting the negative elements, their successes should not leave merely an empty field of battle.
The Purpose of Fighting Is to Restore the Good
We don’t fight battles merely to win. We want to defeat the enemy so that we can return to the good we were trying to defend in the first place. The trouble is, in the case we are looking at, it has been a civil war. The enemy is not some distant threat, but is among us and within us.
So when we do return from the field of battle what do we find? Not a peaceful and contented homeland but in many cases something of a wasteland.
At least there is likely to be a lot that has been destroyed or weakened. Rebuilding is needed, as well as healing and consoling. It is unfortunate that so much harm has been done, but it is vitally important to build a strong and beautiful culture that people experience as good and desirable.
Importantly, you want something sufficiently strong and positive that it won’t break down in the first place. This does not only apply to marriages but to the whole culture.
How important is romantic marriage really?
Why then is romantic marriage so important? At times you might come across the view that this is not really that important. Sure, it would be nice, but it’s not the most important thing.
This attitude can arise by way of reaction against overly optimistic and rosy views that gloss over the many practical and relational challenges that married couples face.
It’s important to keep this in perspective. It is not either-or. The beauty of the relationship is not only a good in itself, but it strengthens couples to face the difficulties that inevitably arise. Also, the other goods of family life, especially children and wider family, provide the context that helps to prevent couples from pursuing an inward looking preoccupation with their own pleasure.
Even with these caveats the romantic and sexual life of a couple is a very important good in its own right and needs to receive due time and effort.
Contemporary marriage does not only face dangers from the general climate of weak relationship commitments and the eroticisation of culture but is simultaneously affected by chronic busy-ness.
Working families tend to be chronically busy even while many others, due to unemployment, battle poverty and lassitude. The same is true of single people, including those who would like to find someone with whom to share their life.
A New Strategy
Although there is a significant focus here at Man+Woman on the culture of attraction between the sexes, this already presupposes a solid grounding in the basics and the practicalities of family life as a whole.
However, there is already an extensive literature in this area, as well as opportunities in many places for couples’ education and counselling as well as other kinds of support for families.
Even with all the good that is being done in those areas it is still not enough. We need to address the underlying cultural problem.
I believe that we need to intentionally build communities that regularly celebrate attractive complementarity.
This is an essential part of a strategy to foster strong and faithful marriages in a culture shaped by the destructive trends now harming relations between men and women.
Many, perhaps most couples are unlikely to seek counselling, even as their marriages are falling apart. Most couples that are doing tolerably well are unlikely to participate in marriage enrichment education.
This is why we need to use a ‘strategy of attraction’. People are much more likely to attend events and gatherings they see as being appealing in their own right.
Most education needs to be indirect, with insights gained in the midst of activities perceived to be enjoyable or rewarding in themselves.
This is why we need a two-pronged strategy: celebration and education, leading with celebration and following up with education.