This article gives an example of how adolescent romantic formation* could be encouraged. It has a focus on boys and how they can grow in confidence and understanding in their relations with girls. And it has a complementary focus on girls and how mutual appreciation can be enhanced.
* The term ‘adolescent romantic formation’ might sound a bit overstated but the reference to ‘romantic’ is not about ‘encouraging romances’ between the participants but simply that the whole context of a series of dances involving partnered dance is based on the underlying social dynamic of male-female relations as such.
Adolescent Development
In their early teens boys and girls are going through important physical, emotional and social changes and it is important for the adult community to assist them to grow in maturity during this time. One of the important challenges is learning how to relate to the opposite sex.
I think the aims at that age should be fairly modest and using methods based on encouraging growth by a series of simple, incremental steps with a fair amount of repetition.
The context being discussed here is a series of dances where the young people are coached through a graduated series of actions they are to take when attending these dances.
The Larger Context: A Series of Dances
The context is a program of dances for young teens held, say monthly, throughout most of a year. It combines education-formation with celebration, the celebrations in this case being the dances.
They are not ‘mere’ social events or diversions, but are accompanied by an intentional formative process.
It envisages debrief meetings between dances, in which the boys and girls meet in separate small groups, each group having an adult mentor of the same sex. Before each dance the mentors introduce their groups to a specific formative task which is their main focus for the next dance. Each dance adds a new increment of learning.
The mentors also debrief their groups on how the previous dance went, what happened, how they felt and what they learned.
The learning is not primarily intellectual, but the lessons to be learned are embodied in social customs to be practiced and understood.
Boys and the Importance of Action
The focus for boys is on developing conscious awareness of how to identify their emotions in relation to girls by expressing them through actions.
As boys try to do this the focus for girls is on learning how to accept and respond to boys’ expression of formalised romantic feeling through action.
Adolescent boys commonly have strong sentimental feelings towards girls, evoked by feminine beauty and presence. This is usually accompanied by a certain amount of apprehension and lack of understanding.
It is difficult for boys to foster their own emotional development in this regard because these feelings are essentially private, and do not lend themselves readily to verbal expression.
The strategy for emotional development then needs to revolve around the expression of feeling through action.
Boys are already familiar with this in their relations with other boys and this often involves games or gamelike interactions. When it comes to girls, and the boys’ own sentimental feelings, they need to learn a new manner of expression.
However, this will not be possible unless cultural conventions are developed so that these expressive actions are understood by the girls as well as the boys.
The initiative in developing or recovering these conventions will need to come from adults.
It is essential that these conventional expressive actions are understood as symbolic-emotional communications.
They are not perfunctory or empty signs, but they are intended to signify something. This involves a learning process for both boys and girls. These conventions are not incidental to the main game but they constitute the main game itself.
The Smaller Context: A Particular Social Custom
Let us presume an evening dance for early teens where everyone gathers beforehand, mingling informally. On this occasion the organisers have assigned boy-girl partners for the first part of the evening. It is best to treat this with some formality, since this is not an unstructured social occasion.
Partners are not assigned according to personal preference but in order to highlight the importance of being impartially polite and respectful.
Performance First
When it is time to begin, an announcement is made asking the boys to escort their partners to be seated. For the boys it begins with practising these actions simply as performance.
The boy approaches his assigned partner and says ‘Hello’, then takes his partner’s arm and escorts her to her seat, assisting her to be seated.
At first this can seem merely a convention in which neither boy nor girl sees much significance. It is simply a ‘nice’ thing to do.
Each of such conventional actions needs to become part of an intentional formative process, so as to become more deeply imbued with meaning and more clearly expressive of feeling in a self-aware manner.
Meanings Next
Next we identify the meanings embodied in these actions, and then apply these clarified meanings to the movements of possible emotion involved. It is a gradual process in which boys can learn to become centred and calm, having a heightened awareness of their feelings while performing competently in public. Let us spend some time examining the example given above.
Initial Emotions
At first, a boy who is unfamiliar being with girls in such contexts might only be aware of his heart beating a bit faster, his focus like tunnel vision, happy just to get through the action without making a fool of himself, the girl’s own interior life being incidental to his state of emotion.
Once he acquits himself well a number of times he can calm down and begin to be a bit more broadly aware.
The Need for a Formative Process
If there is no intentional formative process that draws a deeper meaning from it, connecting it to his emotional state, it will tend to become merely an exterior action. He would learn it was something he should do as his social duty on such occasions, but it would then sink into the background. He would feel competent to do it as an action, adding it to his repertoire but making little more of it.
The Meaning of the Action
What then is the meaning of this action? Let us break it down into several steps to see what they might imply.
She is his partner.
He takes her arm.
He guides and accompanies her to her place.
He assists to be seated.
1. She is his partner.
The social occasion has already paired them as partners. This implies the complementary natures of male and female, that there is something both natural and desirable that a boy/man and a girl/woman would be together as partners. For adolescents, such a pairing is temporary and preferably conventional rather than personal.
In the context of the intentional formative process there is an appropriate distance maintained. It is not about being boyfriend-girlfriend, but about learning to be socially competent with the other sex and to begin to learn through this a deeper significance in it.
This does not mean having an off-hand attitude to it, merely going through the motions, but includes drawing attention to his feelings about being in close proximity to a girl. Importantly, the occasion implies a heightened significance to this, and that it is not merely the usual contact they might have at school or sport or some other more mundane activity.
2. He takes her arm.
Firstly, this implies a role of initiative for the boy. This is not a prescriptive matter in a uniform sense, for the girl also takes initiative in particular ways. Its role here is to give the boy a clear task and a convention which defines it as proper and expected for him to take the initiative in this situation. It also defines the girl’s role to accept his initiative.
Secondly, it is a form of closeness involving bodily touch but of a light, formal kind. Even such contact can feel highly significant to a boy, for it puts him in direct touch, as well as close proximity over a short period. A boy can find this closeness quite special. Simply to be close to a girl like this is an end in itself, and potentially quite memorable, especially if such experiences have been rare for him so far.
The social context heightens such significance for it is structured to imply romantic complementarity. So touch and closeness take on added significance compared to the ordinary forms of everyday contact. It is exciting to have this closeness but the fact that it is in an approved formal context has a calming effect.
3. He guides and accompanies her to her place.
This is clearly of symbolic rather than practical significance. It does not imply the girl cannot find her own way, or that a boy is more expert in such things than a girl.
It is a symbolic action, lightly reminiscent of the practical differences between the sexes, so it serves as an accentuation of masculinity and femininity in conventional form. It is about learning conscious reciprocity.
If the girl rejected his offer and pulled away on the grounds that she is quite able to find her seat herself it would defeat the purpose. It would be a failure to recognise the different mode of communication. It is communication in a symbolic-emotional, not a practical, mode. It would be the same if the boy just pointed out her seat and said, “Why don’t you go and sit down. I’ll be with you in a minute.”
There has been a fair amount of misunderstanding about such things in our society in recent decades, as if this kind of thing is somehow implying male superiority. There has been a blindness to important aspects of the personal quality of relations between the sexes and how these can be fostered so as to uplift mutual appreciation.
If he accompanies her and she accepts, he communicates respect and consideration. It elevates the practical to the personal.
It adds some emotional content precisely because it is not necessary in a practical sense. It is a ritual that adds a touch of uplift to the otherwise mundane.
4. He assists her to be seated.
Again this is not a practical matter, but a way of accentuating attentiveness and symbolising putting the other person first.
In this case the boy signals that he is oriented towards the girl, making her his priority, and not thinking of himself. The manner of expressing this attentiveness and consideration involves a lightly physical aspect which is meant to signify that a man should be respectful of a woman’s bodily nature. He needs to cultivate gentleness and consideration towards her.
This is symbolised by pulling out the chair, standing close, perhaps placing his hand lightly behind her back, and bending over to indicate he is accompanying her through the whole process, seeing she is settled comfortably. These more refined manifestations can come later. At first a boy will simply learn to come with her and see that she is seated in the right place, and perhaps help shift her chair so she is comfortable.
The girl is meant to smile and say, “Thank you”. Rather than assuming this is obvious the girls should be told about how boys would commonly feel a little awkward or apprehensive and that she can help him to feel relaxed and happy that he has acquitted himself well. The girls need to also be made specifically aware of the meanings explained above.
From Action to Meaning to Feeling
Having identified the meaning inherent in this action we go on now to consider how this can inform the process of emotional development. As outlined above, we are considering an integrated social and formational program. The dances form a sequence in which new elements are regularly added, and in which the significance of each of the intentional elements is explored in growing depth.
Let us consider the boys first since they are the initiators in this example. What does a mentor do with the boys at their debrief? First, he gets them to call to mind the experience they had. He highlights the particular matter for discussion, in this case the expressive practice outlined above. He gets the boys to share some initial reactions. How did they find the experience? Did they feel they had acquitted themselves well?
It is not unlikely that there would be some jokey comments, highlighting some mishaps, some ribbing of the others. It is good to hear this first. Even though the action concerned is fairly simple, it could still involve little slip-ups and embarrassments. For example, perhaps a boy took a girl to the wrong seat, and then had to ask her to shift. Perhaps he trod on her toes, or had some other clumsy moment. Perhaps he just felt highly self-conscious and awkward.
It is important to realise that early adolescent boys will tend to focus mainly on the physical performance of social skills, and their first priority is to get these things right. They will not be able to give proper attention to more interior things until they feel reasonably competent in external actions. The process of growth works ‘from the outside in’.
Preparation for the next dance will often need to include some physical practice. The fact that the boys will need to practice on each other adds to the humour and helps them focus on the task while becoming more emotionally comfortable with it. They can learn in this jokey way with each other, which helps to build camaraderie so they will not feel self-conscious about possibly appearing ‘unmanly’ by doing these unfamiliar things.
As they come to feel more competent in action the focus shifts to exploring the meaning of these actions. This is more about thinking than acting. It is not trying to get them to express their feelings but to receive some input on why it is so important for men to express through their actions respect and sensitivity towards women. The particular actions under consideration are explained.
They are asked to consider why a woman might welcome this sort of action by a man. Why are women alert to see signs of gentleness and consideration from men? Explain that women feel more precarious about their bodily safety than men. Get the boys to think about what actions or attitudes of men might make women feel unsafe.
Then take the next step, explaining that even when safety is not an issue, women want to see positive signs that men care about women’s bodily well-being.
They do not want to be treated roughly, or even taken for granted. They are looking for some self-aware attentiveness from the boys, not a merely perfunctory ‘going through the motions’. Appeal to the boys’ protective instincts. Why is this a good thing? How does the expressive practice under discussion demonstrate good intentions? How does the desire to be protective and considerate expand to become a desire for women’s positive well-being?
Spending time talking through these things will engage boys’ feelings. They feel a movement within themselves to be good, and to value feeling good about their role with respect to women. It is aimed at cultivating this feeling of positive strength and channelling it into their intentions towards women and girls. Then the link is made explicitly between this feeling and the intention behind the expressive practice.
So at the next dance, the boys gather with their mentor just before it begins, calling this to mind and resolving to be mindful of their feeling each time they escort their partner to her place and assist her to be seated. This same spirit is meant to permeate the whole evening, and the series of expressive practices they self-consciously develop become a series of reminders calling them back to this feeling. It would be unrealistic to think they could stay intentionally focused the whole time, but they can refocus each time they do one of the highlighted and rehearsed actions.
Through repetition this link between practice, meaning and feeling can become ingrained.
It needs both the action and the reflection, and the reflection needs to include both the meaning and the link with feeling. It is important to note the essentially positive nature of this process. It does not dwell on the negative of disrespect to women, and haranguing or nagging about a duty to respect. It is learned within the positive context of the desire boys have to spend time with girls and the positive reinforcement of growing competence in social skills deepened through a formative process linking action with understanding and feeling.
Another Example
This is the nature of the formative process in a nutshell. We could go through a number of expressive actions in similar fashion. Another example is listed below, from a typical traditional style dance.
A boy asks a girl to dance
A boy approaches a girl and asks her in a simple but gracious way if she would like to dance.
It is good to practice a formula and make it clear that a formula is fine, and an individual style is not needed.
It is good to practice a standard formula such as, “May I have the pleasure of this dance?” This helps boys to overcome the awkwardness of formal speech, and not to settle for an easier and supposedly more cool, “Wanna dance?” Knowing they are all in it together and doing the same thing makes it easier to do things that they might otherwise be inclined to feel are a bit ‘soppy’.
It is natural for boys to underplay things like this so as to keep things ‘cool’ and to keep their feelings under control. However, the important thing in this setting is learning to choose that extra little awkwardness that comes with being a bit more formal, and to discover that it has its own enjoyment and reward.
Boys like to feel competent, and would enjoy becoming competent at something that girls seem to value.
The Girl Accepts
The extra effort of formality in this also lays some groundwork for later when the boys are older and need to begin working on their verbal expression in a romantic context. For the moment though this extra effort is applied in ‘baby steps’. The girls too are asked to respond in a way that signals mutuality - that the boys and girls are in it together, learning and growing in things that are important to both.
The girls are encouraged to adopt a standard response, and when asked to dance to look at the boy and smile and say, “I would love to!” It helps the boys relax and feel good because it feels like positive success.
While these things are explained to the boys in their group, it is also explained to the girls. They will be told that the boys have been taught to use a standard form of invitation, and what their response should be. They need to realise that the boys are nervous too, and that girls have the means to make them feel at ease by smiling and accepting the invitation. Meanwhile the boys are trying to learn how to be mindful and attentive when with a girl.
Being Gracious to All
Some Guidance
It is important in the formative process to prescribe partners and mix them up so that the general skills are practised, not linked to particular attractions, but as courtesies extended to all.
It is important that a boy feel confident that his request to dance will be accepted.
For girls it is important to know they will not be left out but will be asked to dance every time. This is especially the case early on, and indeed for a prolonged period in early to middle adolescence.
This is why it is so important to structure most of these occasions, taking chance out of the equation and giving everyone a predictably positive experience.
It is not a priority at that age to give space for special friendships, but to encourage general mixing and generosity, with a consistent practice of courtesy to all. Naturally there will be some special attractions, but these need no encouragement.
As time goes on, space can gradually be opened up for this with some ‘boys choice’ and ‘girls choice’ dances during the evening.
By then there should be sufficient comfort and familiarity in the group that no one should be left out. It is much better to lay a firm foundation of emotionally safe, positive experiences to provide confidence and resilience for the more complicated feelings that will arise when older and seeking a preferred partner.
It does everyone a favour to downplay this earlier on, not just for the less confident and attractive, but for the most confident and attractive as well.
It is a much better foundation for a serious relationship to have learnt selflessness, cultivating deeper and stronger patterns of feeling rather than being caught on a constantly fluctuating rollercoaster of emotion, worried about being wanted or not.
If everyone is in it together and follows the rules, it also allows people to be more gracious and attractive without worrying it will be taken too personally. The formulaic assignment of partners provides an emotionally safe environment, and encourages a focus on the other’s feelings rather than one’s own.
Further Steps
The two examples given so far establish the basic rituals of courtesy that ‘frame’ the experience of the dance. They are repeated throughout the evening as often as the partners change and new dances are called.
The further steps involve the actual dancing as such. In the early part of the program an instructor takes the young people through practice sessions to learn a number of simple dances. As the year goes on new dances can be introduced and practiced as part of the dances.
The organisers need to plan each event. This planning needs to include such things as:
Deciding on which dances to include on each occasion, and the sequence.
Preselecting partners.
Deciding at what point in the evening participants will be assigned new partners.
Identifying suitable times to include ‘progressive’ dances, where partners change each cycle.
When to schedule ‘ladies choice’ dances.
A Simple Beginning
The examples given so far might seem absurdly simple. Surely all that can look after itself with some brief instructions?
It is essential to grasp the key point about a learning process like this:
1. Practice the Ritual
Firstly, you practice a physical action accompanied by a spoken formula. During the early dances in the ‘program’ these will be performed repeatedly, becoming easier and more habitual so that both the boys and girls come to feel very comfortable with these rituals. They become both more competent and less anxious, feeling that they belong and are acquitting themselves quite well.
This is the value of ritual. It embodies an important meaning through an action which comes to be embedded in each participant’s comfort zone.
It is not about knowing a lot about the other person at this stage, but knowing the thing they all have in common - the desire for a relaxed and happy way of relating to members of the opposite sex. You want to feel confident in approaching the next dance, knowing what to expect, and what is expected of you. This is based on your competent performance in meeting clearly spelled out expectations, and that everyone has the same expectations. You come to understand the importance of ritual and practice.
This can be compared to mastering a basic skill in sport. Take tennis for example. You don’t just hit the ball over the net once and think, “OK, I’ve got that skill under control”. No. You practice it over and over until it becomes second nature. That way you are not a bundle of nerves every time you have to serve.
You need to approach the basic courtesies at a dance as being just as important as the skills needed in sport. They need to be imbued with this same feeling of importance.
This is why it is important to have simple, commonly understood rituals, their meaning and their importance. Once you have the basics well in hand you can start to shift some attention to the quality of your conversation, and to charm of manner. For most people these only emerge on the foundation of the basic level of comfort established by mastering the key ritual interactions.
2. Frequent Mindfulness
Secondly, young people need to be encouraged to intentionally focus each time they perform the basic rituals of courtesy. Having established a basic competence in performance, the next step is to repeatedly call to mind the reason why you are doing these things. This can be aided by some suitable phrases you memorise to help you refocus.
For the boys:
“I will treat this young woman with respect and gentleness, putting her happiness before my own. I will do my best to make her feel like the most important girl in the room.”
“I will set aside for tonight any particular attraction I might feel for a particular girl, and treat each young woman I dance with as special.”
For the girls:
“I will respect this young man and respond to his efforts with encouragement and with a smile.”
“I will set aside for tonight any particular attraction I might feel for a particular boy, and treat each young man I dance with as special.”
In their meetings with their mentors they could be encouraged to write their own such ‘mindfulness mottos’. It can also be helpful to have one composed in common, and recited together at their debrief meetings.
A Qualitative Difference
The vision and the approach proposed here represent a qualitative shift compared to the common approach to such events. This is not to be critical, as a typical scenario would more likely involve a small group of adults trying their best with limited time and resources to at least organise the occasional dance somewhere in the busy round of school or community life.
Even if what is proposed here is only taken up slowly, and in a few places, over time it could come to grow into something important. For parents, teachers or other community leaders I would encourage giving some thought to trying to build up a ‘formative dance program’ along these lines. It would be important to enlist the involvement of leaders amongst the young people, and getting the older to help the younger. It’s OK to start small with those who actually want to be there than aim too high and fail to achieve the goals outlined above.
Having this focus on quality, ritual and method has great potential to elevate the social lives of young people and lay the groundwork for a more beautiful culture of relations between men and women.